UNFAILING LOVE 1

"For it is written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy.’" (1 Peter 1:16)

"I love you so much." He says kissing my lips then going down to my neck, he nibbles on it. He uses his hands and touches areas I wouldn't like to talk about. I lie there like a log of wood. I detest everything he does and the disgusting sounds he makes when having sex with me. My soul hates sex with passion but my body is a different matter. It reacts in the way it ought to and the hormones God gave me are not helping matters. I scream as He enters inside me.

"Sister Oluwaf'irefunmi, I enjoyed every moment of this and I wish you a happy Sunday and a blessed week". I sob as I stand up. I eye him before I pack my things and leave his house. It always ends like this - he having his way, me crying all the way home as I remember the broken vows I keep telling God every week. I enter into my car, sobbing for some seconds before driving away.

What would people say and most especially, my pastor, when they know or hear that the lead soprano vocalist in their church - someone who leads them into Gods presence - is sleeping with her fiancé, the drama coordinator? Some people may not see anything wrong in what we are doing since we are engaged but I see everything wrong in it. I just can’t seem to stop myself and for every time he has entered into me making us one, I have hated myself a little bit more.

I drive around town aimlessly for four hours before deciding to go home. I honked the horn hoping that the gate man will open it soon. He does and I drive in. "Welcome madam. How was church?" "Thank you Sam. Church was good. Are there any messages for me?" I ask, getting out of the car. "No madam" he replies, bowing his head as a sign of respect. I dismiss him after I had wished him a happy Sunday and a blessed week.

"God, where have I missed it?" I ask, sobbing into my pillow. There is something that lingers in my mind. I know where exactly I missed it but I don't even know how to retrace my steps. I don't know how to stop what I am doing. I think back to when I first met Paul, my fiancé.
"Hello dear". I hear someone speak and I turn. I followed my friend, IseOluwa** to the clinic and I am not in the mood for any conversations right now cos I am stressed out.

"Hi", I say looking away from my phone for a moment.
"Waiting to see the doctor?" He asks and I shake my head. Taking a good look at him, I notice he is one of the well-known brothers on campus.
"I followed a friend here, she has to see the doctor.”
"I come to the clinic sometimes to visit and pray for those who are not feeling too well"
I nod as I hear this. So there are some men who still care for others and are zealous for God.
He prays with me for my friend and then goes on to speak with others who are waiting at the reception.
I meet Him again in church where I get to know he’s the president of the highest populated fellowship on campus. We exchange numbers and from the "God bless you greetings" to the "what do you enjoy doing" chats, we became close friends. After school, we are posted to different states. I travel out for my Masters degree program while he stays in the country to do his before getting a job in one of top the accounting firms in the country. I also work in one of the law firms in Lagos.
He proposed on the Valentine's Day in 2014 and I said a big yes because, why not? I prayed about it long before he proposed but I was not patient enough to really hear what God was saying cos I thought "Why would God say no to me marrying this kind of man?" He was a man zealous for God; everything I wanted in my man.
I sigh as I think of the present. We started having sex at the beginning of this year and I was a virgin before I met Him. He told me God would not be angry if we indulge in sex because we were already engaged to be married February 2016.

I started to miss it when I decided to give my virginity to Him after much pressure. He had first spoke about it when we first got engaged and I had not accepted. He kept pressuring me and later He told me that if I didn't give in, I might lose him. I remember my mum calling me one day.
"Ile Obirin ki pe su ooo, Ire, kin lo n duro de?*** For God’s sake you're 25 years old and a well accomplished lawyer. Your younger sister is getting married next month. Ire, when will you bring your man home?"
I gave in four months later.
I grab my pillow and scream into it. My whole life sucks and I have no idea on what to do. I want to stop this but I don't even know how. I have prayed, asked God to please stop what’s happening but it looks like the more I pray, the more I find myself doing it. I feel ashamed; I cannot carry myself high like I used to. I feel worthless yet, Paul is not seeing anything wrong with everything that’s happening. I carry my bible and read some passages of the scriptures. I hope to sleep soon but that doesn't happen. I keep tossing and turning on the bed.
 It takes a very long time to finally fall asleep.

To be continued…

Translations:
* Oluwaf'irefunmi - "God has given goodness to me"
** Ifeoluwa - "The love of God"
*** "Ile Obirin ki pe su ooo, Ire, kin lo n duro de?  -  "A woman doesn't take long to age. What are you waiting for?"


About the writer: OlaKristi Ayo-Obiremi is an accountant-in-training, a writer and an entrepreneur. Her favorite hobbies include drawing, drumming, cooking, writing and reading novels.
She aspires to change the mindset of women and help them understand that they worth more than rubies and can become all that God has created them to be.